Grand Theft Auto V finds religion


Grand Theft Auto V finds religion
Glory be to Kifflom!
Rockstar Games has kept its promotion of Grand Theft Auto V to a minimum so far, but may be ready to kick things up a notch. Rather than releasing anything that is distinctively Grand Theft Auto V, a website for the Epsilon Program has been updated and a Twitter account has been set up (@EpsilonismToday).

Those familiar with the Grand Theft Auto series may recognize the Epsilon Program from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas where it was first introduced. The Epsilon Program and their ideals are meant to parody Scientology and have been referenced in each GTA title since San Andreas. The Twitter account was launched last week and its latest tweet revealed the “FACT” that it is the fastest growing religion in America.

The website is fairly minimalistic with a six options in all, although two of them are “Give Money”. If you feel the urge to donate, there is a Fax number (1-555-FUN-CULT) and a postal address located on the Cayman Islands. If you wish to follow Kifflom, there are twelve FACTS that you will need to learn. We have to wonder if it also includes a meltdown on Oprah’s couch.

Take Two remained quiet on the release date of Grand Theft Auto V, so we’ll have to sit tight for another while.

The 12 Tenets of Kifflom:
1. The world is 157 years old - FACT!
2. Dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak - FACT!
3. You are happy, you just don’t know it - FACT!
4. We all come from the same tree - FACT!
5. Everyone is related to everyone else, except for people with red hair - FACT!
6. Sperm does not exist - it is a lie spread by biology teachers - along with everything else you have ever been told - FACT!
7. Men are supposed to lie with nine new partners a week. Women are supposed to lie with six, except for in July, when they must lie with five men a day - FACT!
8. Aliens exist and are present on earth. If you have a birth mark, you may be descended from Kraff, the famous Emperor of the 4th Paradigm - FACT!
9. Trees talk, but only some people hear them - FACT!
10. People who believe in something live much longer than atheists, and they have eternal life thrown in for good measure - FACT!
11. If you believe this and turn you hands and wallet over to EPSILONISM, you’ll live a happy life. Otherwise you are doomed - FACT!

If you didn't know this, maybe you should read the Epsilon Tract.

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