Provided you have a soul (twisted or otherwise) you know and love the following characters. I don’t blame you. I wish they were my friends and that they’d give me High-Fives.
I also wish they were in different games: newer, better, more differenter!
None of these personalities stem from particularly poor titles. If anything the bulk of them stem from quality stock. But for these charmers to really shine, to really cement themselves in the gooey confines of the hippocampus (Hippo, HA!), to really define the wonderfully varied, colourful, madcap art of gaming, a restructuring of priorities is in order.
Before Ron Gilbert’sDeathspank
landed arcades there was an air of giddy delight.
His name: Ridiculous.
His voice: Hilarious.
His witticism: Charming.
And wasn’t he fond of bacon or something?Deathspank’s
true quest was to return games their levity, at least ‘core’ games. And he may well have succeeded was the surrounding experience not a dated, repetitive mess. Maybe if Hothead focuses on role-playing elements, and their myriad opportunities for comedy, Deathspank
could be the household name it deserves to be.Deathspank
. Death. Spank.
Gods below, Dante
should annoy me.
Arrogant, cheesy, shallow, an awful taste in music. But that supreme confidence, that cocksure poise coupled with a practiced irreverence made this peroxide blonde ninja turtle irresistible.
That and he is a force of raw, tempestuous nature when he starts with the chop-chop, bang-bang!
Unfortunately, gaming has evolved beyond the redundant hack’n’slach formula. And with DMC
on the horizon, it’s not Dante’s
redesign or substantially neutered charm that worries me.
It’s the fact the game seemingly offers nothing genuinely original to a desperately flagging genre.
I WANT to play as Dante
. But now, wizened and aging, I crave just a hint of depth, of subtlety to both mechanics and narrative.
He’s been trying for years to catch that relevance once enjoyed as Mario’s
primary rival. But though he remains a hedgehog, who is blue, and can run at blinding speeds, Sonic
has long since been outraced.
No-one seems to care anymore.
He’s tirelessly undergone countless re-inventions, even attempted to reconnect with his roots in Sonic 4
. But these have invariably proved false starts.
The Elder Scrolls’ daedric lunatic, Shegorath
alongside his nonsensical Skyrim
sidey, his barmy Oblivion
expansion and his chicken-morphing Wabbajack are consistently the most praised aspects of Bethesda’s universally commended games.
So how about giving the nutter his own game? If High Moon Studios
are willing to take a gamble on the sanity-deficient Deadpool
, why not publishing powerhouse Bethesda
Besides, too few games are wired to the f***ing moon. Come on! Just look at that darling face.
6. The Prince
Being unsure why the legal designation of a Persian monarch remains elusive is but one of the many traits which make The Prince
I’ll stubbornly insist this appeal peaked in 2008, with a free-form combat system, rhythm based platforming, blessedly brief failure states and an on-screen coupling which sizzled palpably.Prince of Persia
cut out as much crap as humanly possible to gift gamers with a beautifully rendered and gloriously layered game world, punctuated with wonderful cell shading and flawless animation.
Then they made The Forgotten Sands
Which was good. But too safe, too familiar, too eager to tie into its cinematic counterpart.
I’m not suggesting 2008’s Prince of Persia
get revived. That time has passed. But the Prince
himself deserves a revival, a recoronation.
He is royalty, after all.
5. Raving Rabbids
If my calculations are correct (and lets be real for a minute, they are) then the Raving Rabbids
, of Rayman
fame, are in fact the very best invention since Einstein invented time back in the Victorian era.
I don’t even think their games are particularly bad. I just want one I’d actually play in my own time.
Tell me you wouldn’t too!
When the first line of EVERY SINGLE REVIEW questions whether or not the product in question qualifies as a game, you can expect a few frowny emoticons to get strewn about.
But Cyber Connect 2
have crafted something special in Asura
Something wrathful, indeed, but somewhere, under layers of spittled snarls and throat scratching growls, lies a concerned father, a worried husband, a betrayed general.Asura
may not seem the most complicated man (demigod?) but he literally goes to hell and back and then back to hell and then back to back to rescue his daughter. Asura
is no more a slouch when it comes to parental duties than to dolling out planet busting right crosses.
I desperately want to play a GAME as Asura
So, Cyber Connect 2
, go and make one!
3. Guybrush Threepwood
Anyone who has indulged their nostalgia in those Monkey Island Anniversary Editions
can appreciate the series has not aged well. And I’m obviously not just talking graphically. The humour hasn’t kept pace.
Part of the problem is that Monkey Island
remains a point and click adventure. Wrong format.
Say one thing of Guybrush Threepwood
, say he’s a mighty pirate!
If we could unshackle Guybrush
, swing his cutlass, man his sails, pour his grog and slam dunk his puns in a more engrossing format, I have every confidence Guybrush Threepwood
would be a family name once again.
And not just something people confuse with a fungal infection.
Tuck your socks into your pants and prepare for a truth bomb.Bowser
Honestly, he’s just got a lot more going on. He has a multitude of castles to manage, a host of minions to feed and train, carnivorous flora and anthropomorphised ballistics to... I dunno, do something with.
Blatantly ignoring even the he is covered in spineitys and spikeys, Bowser
has demonstrated a can do attitude and proved himself a hopeless romantic at heart.
How many times has he captured Peach
at this stage?
That’s love, man. That’s love.
Someone. Anyone! Get that King a game!
Put the gun down.
Seriously, put it down.
I’m not criticizing Soul Reaver
. Nor its sequel.
They were tremendous. So tremendous thinking about... them... distracts... me...
is a whole other coven of vampires. A disappointing end to a watershed for gaming voice and narrative, Raziel
, the heart and soul (but not the jaw, LOLdogZ) of this franchise hasn’t been seen since.
Tragic. Heroic. Sympathetic. Callous.Raziel
was the epitome of a tortured soul, the very definition of character growth and a paragon of undead asskickery!
True enough, he was a bit too jaded for humour. But Raziel
is like Columbo
with a lightsaber, Jesus with a temper, Batman
without the sunny disposition.
And he had that snazzy scarf.
An invincible vampire, with a centuries old intellect, otherworldly strength, reality bending party tricks and a nose for mystery, Raziel
fits snugly into almost every conceivable genre.
So why can’t someone just pick one, slap him in there and give this champion of gaming the title he so richly deserves?