Nothing says Valentine’s Day like scornfully badmouthing others in healthy relationships and cracking wise about their myriad quirks.
Needless to say, the sphere of video-gaming is a veritable gold mine for such spite, as every potential romantic is either a mass murderer or addicted to life-giving mushrooms.
So let’s take a look at these soppy jerks.
It’s Pathetic...10. Monkey hearts Trip (Enslaved)
There’s naught quite like the unspoken love between a girl, her burly protector and the cranial implant primed and ready to painfully melt his brain the moment he shows the slightest inclination for violence.
Can’t fault a girl for knowing what she likes...Romance Rating – 8/10 Awwws9. Dan hearts Faye (Binary Domain)
Acquaintanceships begun by openly comparing one of the parties to an “actress
” you’ve seen in an adult film RARELY
blossom into affection. So it speaks to the *ahem*
charm of protagonist Dan Marshall
that he managed exactly that.
Still, poor Dan
fell for Faye
so hard he elected NOT
to summarily execute her on discovering her father was a bit of a nightmare.
That’s love.Romance Rating – 6/10 How-You-Doin’s8. Sheppard hearts Anything-with-a-pulse (Mass Effect)
Seriously anything. This guy/gal is so busy saving up his/her ethical standards for fighting off the galactic apocalypse, he/she will literally bed anything that so much as winks/flails/excretes in her/his direction!
Dirtbird.Romance Rating: 2/10 Turian Smut Novels7. Jackie hearts Jenny (The Darkness)
. Only their roles are reversed. And Juliette
gets whacked. And rather than taking his own life, like some cry-baby wuss, Romeo
uses demonic jaw tentacles to rip a bloody swath through every gangster in a 300 mile radius.
Star-crossed, folks.Romance Rating: 9/10 Milkshakes (They’re red. But that aint Strawberry...)6. Geralt hearts Triss (The Witcher)
Junkie Horndog Monster Hunter seeks buxom sorceress who can magic off her clothes for intellectual pursuits.
Unlike the latter couple, Geralt and Triss are not star-crossed lovers. Or at least they’re not star-crossed. But what they lack for in traditional romance, they more than make up for in getting-their-kit-off. Which is a character trait somewhat less disfavoured on Feb 14th...Romance Rating: 4/10 Aard Signs5. Asura hearts Wrath (Asura’s Wrath)
Jesus he does!Asura
loves being pissed with a passion found no-where else on this list.
Twelve months on and I’m pumped just remembering it.
Need a sit down now...Romance Rating: 10/10 Planet-Sized Buddhas punched into oblivion!4. Guybrush hearts Elaine (Monkey Island)“Love Muffin!”
It’s enough to make even the mightiest pirate sick.Romance Rating: 7/10 LeChucks3. Nate hearts Elena (Uncharted)
Look at these two.
Ridiculously good looking treasure hunter type meets ridiculously good looking intrepid reporter. Butcher an island’s worth of pirates together. Find Shambala
. Finish one another’s improbably astute witticisms.
But still everything’s “complicated
.” Still, they have “issues
Tousled hair and a deliberately casual half tuck are not issues, Drake
, you loveable fop!Romance Rating: 8/10 Sully’s moustaches2. Snake hearts Boss (Metal Gear Solid 3)
Now I’m not here to pass judgement [Editor – Actually, Jack, that’s exactly why you’re here]
but this pair seem a little TOO
into the rough stuff. Undeniably they love one another. With a cold fury. But honestly, if they don’t skip to the main event one of them is going... to end up... dead...
I tried to warn ‘em!Romance Rating: 5/10 Shagohods1. Welkin hearts Alicia (Valkyria Chronicles)
If the social pressure of this holiday isn’t quite enough to make your love-life feel woefully inadequate, you could always take a gander at Squad 7
’s deplorably touching will-they-wont-they.Welkin
are a couple so despicably enamoured with one another that VC’s
epilogue will have you dry-retching over your controller in jealousy.
And to think it all started when he dropped pellets of rabbit dung into her hand.Romance Rating: 10/10 Edelweiss’