Chris Hemsworth: Top 3 Heavy Weapons


Chris Hemsworth: Top 3 Heavy Weapons
Hitting things with larger things since 2009!
With five features hitting cinemas this calendar year (his most recent effort recently surpassing the $1b mark) The Avenger’s brawny, long haired Adonis, Chris Hemsworth can be found whacking foes with a sculpted chunk of metal in cinemas across the globe right now.

And while we delight in the spectacle of the Norse Thunder God hammering the Hulk, Iron Man and assorted Chitari gremlins into a low orbit, it got us to thinking...

That man is constantly hitting people. Generally with something very large and heavy.

So to celebrate the young Aussie’s rise to stardom, and predilection for large weapons (heh, ladies...) behold Chris Hemsworth’s top three uses of weaponry.

3. Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

Weapon of Choice: Huntsman’s Axe
Although not on general release just yet, you’d struggle to find promotional material that doesn’t feature a large, crescent blade grafted to Hemsworth hands. I certainly couldn’t.

It makes sense; as a swarthy woodsman, proficiency with the axe is essential for his innumerable lumberjacking responsibilities.

Yet considering the battle scenes hinted at in recent trailers, it’s hardly beyond the realms of possibility that the Scottish (?) Huntsman will enjoy the opportunity to cleave his way through some face, or magical glass demon, before the film’s conclusion.

Proper order! Sure, what use is a giant axe if not to amuse paying audiences as it gruesomely relieves necks of their oppressive heads?

And all things considered, Hemsworth would look damn foolish with a rapier...

2. Thor/The Avengers (2011/2012)

Weapon of Choice: Mjolnir
Thor has a big hammer. It’s sort of his defining characteristic.

Though Hemsworth gave a nuanced, emotive performance during both stints as Marvel’s Thunder God, audiences were essentially waiting for him to snap and give something a jolly good whack with the bloody thing.

We are a base, primal lot when it comes to big hammers!

Not as ridiculously oversized as its portrayal in Mark Millar’s The Ultimates (left), Hemsworth’s Mjolnir remains a whammer of not inconsiderable size, evidenced in Thor by all that blunt force decapitation inflicted upon the (largely innocent) population of Jotunheim.

Mercifully for those dissatisfied with the disappointingly minimal Hammer Time in 2011, Joss Whedon’s The Avengers more than rectifies this oversight. Hemsworth whacks his whacker against floating space worms, enormous green rage monsters and even one genius billionaire playboy cyborg mecha.

Admittedly, Hemsworth is running the risk of being defined by that Hammer. But in truth, if you can see beyond The Avenger’s glare, you’ll notice he has ever yearned for the simple joy of clobbering people with large objects.

Never has this been more evident than in...

1. Star Trek (2009)

Weapon of Choice: The USS Kelvin
Hemsworth’s penchant for smacking entities with larger entities has been evident since the origins of his film career. During his minor role as Kirk’s daddy in J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek, Hemsworth captained a Starship for all of 12 minutes.

Hemsworth got a lot done in that quarter hour he commanded the Kelvin; the evacuation of its crew, the launching of its warheads, the depletion of its phasers.

But the lure of bashing an enemy vessel with a few million tonnes of space-metal proved too much for Hemsworth, even portraying a disciplined Starfleet officer.

And so his brief stint in the rebooted Star Trek franchise came to an volatile close as George Kirk hit Nero’s Narada so hard it literally killed him.

Obviously, this is when he caught the bug.

Honourable Mention: Cabin in the Woods (2012)
Weapon of Choice: His left bicep!

Released last month to critical acclaim and raucous laughter, Cabin in the Woods didn’t disappoint. Neither did Chris Hemsworth who, despite having no superpowers, dangerous profession or Federation vessel at his disposal, held up his end of the bargain.

We pay to see him in a film. He flings his enviably muscular arm into the throat of a decrepit old lady zombie.
Well played, sir!

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